So much has happened since my last post - I wrote a little about it here, if you'd like to read. I always vow to be a more consistent blogger, but the only thing that seems to remain consistent is my inconsistency. Oh well...there's only time for so much.
Through all of my recent adventures and experiences, I've come to realize some really cool things & I thought I'd take a moment on this overcast, Sunday afternoon to share. Grab your favorite iced drink, or maybe crank the ac and put on your sweats (as I like to do...shhhh, that'll be our little secret - till the next power bill arrives atleast) and read on...
Over the past 2 weeks or so, I've found myself being a listening ear to many friends and acquaintances around me. Not one word shared has gone unfelt, unheard, uncared or unprayed-for. (I'll come back to this in a minute.) My husband shared a video of Louie Giglio from the "How Great is Our God" tour (click the link to watch, I highly recommend it. It puts life into perspective.) in the high school youth group last week and it struck a heart string. For those who don't have time to watch, Louie shares pictures of our solar system and beyond to give us an idea of how vast God's creation really is and how small we are in the grand picture. This has been something God's been repeatedly showing me since my last post.
When taking off from our small little airport a few weeks ago, I looked down and saw my "city" below - becoming smaller and smaller with each second that passed, till it was but a blurry spot below the clouds. "That's my world," I thought. "All of my problems, my fears, my possessions, my loved ones, my memories - most of them belong right there and (morbid, but true) it could all be wiped away in an instant and the world would go on." With that thought came, "but somehow in the smallness of my world, God cares." He cares. He cares so much that He called me by name and invited me into personal relationship with Him. The only thing my mind can possibly relate this to is ants in an ant farm - it's as if I had an ant farm on my kitchen counter and I somehow knew each ant personally. Imagine if I named them and then invited them to get to know me. Sure they're busy little creatures, running frantically to find their next grain to offer to their queen, they're distracted, but they've been invited and with that invitation comes my love, affection, care, protection and concern. That sounds ridiculous, I know, but it's the only image I can put to God calling me out of this world and offering me life & love. I so quickly get caught up in my little world and I (meaning to or not) make it all about me. It's amazing and awesome that He cares. In the midst of say, caring for and tending to the universe, He takes time to listen to and care for me (and you if you let Him).
Bringing it back to the burdens I've carried for my friends who are hurting. I think of the bridge in the song "Hosanna":
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
That song has become an ernest prayer of mine, and I'm seeing it happen before my very eyes. He's breaking my heart for the things my friends and family (& the world) around me are experiencing and I believe this is a very small taste of the burden He feels for our pain and our heartache. He cares. I don't know who's reading this and/or what you're going through, but as my heart breaks for the people around me these days, know that He cares whether you know Him personally or not. Contrary to what the media would like you to believe, there's a God who created YOU and He cares for His creation.
Lots of love and prayers being sent to people around me these days...
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Superwoman Fail
WARNING : This post just may make you look at me differently - it's raw & maybe a little too honest. If you haven't noticed already, I totally don't have it together. Read on if you need to see the proof...
After several minutes of rambling and impatient shaking of the head, "You didn't hear a word I just said. Ma'am you need to make a decision, I have a dog waiting in the tub and don't have time to wait for you. I'm either shaving him or you need to take him home and comb your high maintenance dog yourself." That was the tail end of a long & unnecessary conversation I had at 7:45 this morning with a new groomer in town (I'll save his reputation and just hope that his impatience with a potential paying customer was due to the stress of opening a new business). Needless to say, this conversation seemed to have set the tone (and pace) for my never-ending day.
You know the days that seem as if you're trapped in a snow globe and some kid hyped up on pixie stix and fruit-by-the-foot is violently shaking you so that the dust never has a chance to settle? For some weird reason, in the midst of these types of days, I feel like superwoman - just hand me my cape and I'll add flying to my list of things to do. (Does superwoman fly? She really should, if she doesn't.) But it's when the sun sets and the dust finally settles that I see helpless me (minus the cape), a wreck because I've burned the candle at both ends and have nothing left to offer at the end of the day. Just a really tired and haggard-looking me - major superwoman fail (in my opinion).
Tonight after my marathonday week (is today really Wednesday? where did last monday - this tuesday go?), I found myself sitting on the floor of my office with guitar in hand (a rarity these days) just sobbing words of nothingness. Who knows what I was singing croaking out through those tears, all I know is that when my fingers hit the fret board and my lips decided to move, my heart couldn't hold it back any longer - I verbally (and I suppose somewhat musically) vomited on Jesus. I haven't done that since pre-marital days - not in that fashion at least. Since being married, I've not allowed myself to unravel - I can't afford to fall apart. If I fall apart, the whole house comes crumbling with me. Instead, I sometimes talk to God (and myself) in the car on the way from point A to point B - venting in spurts; or sometimes (in a way I'm not so proud to admit) I have a freak-out-on-the-husband sort of moment. But usually I just find myself sprinting through my daily routine, taking massive breaths in and exhaling serious breaths out (cheeks flared and all). So not healthy.
Don't get me wrong - married life has been fabulous, but with it has come a whole new world of responsibilities and expectations (most of which I've put upon myself, B's a pretty easy-going {and helpful} guy). The biggest change, however, has been my relationship with the Lord. Daily devotions get pushed behind or squeezed in between workouts, meal planning, grocery shopping, project finishing, teaching, cooking, cleaning and who knows what else I manage to fit between waking and sleeping hours. Those quiet nights with my Bible opened and guitar and pen in hand have become distant memories and tonight reminded me how desperately I need/miss them. Married or single, divorced or widowed we all need those moments - whether the last one we had was this morning or last year, we need them to carry us from situation to situation, season to season. Without them we become a powerless and tired superwoman - doing everything in our power to tackle our to-do list, but finding our reflection to be a bit older and less beautiful than when we last saw it.
I suppose I sat down to write this so that I could have a moment of honesty. A moment of admitting that I can't do life without Him. And if you take anything away from this, yes, you may recognize that I'm tired and helpless (and a bit crazy) but more importantly, I don't want you to find yourself where I am - exhausted. Sure, I've had amazing moments - leading worship (and I've meant every word that I've sung), doing ministry alongside my husband, praying and seeking God throughout the past year and a half, but I've failed to do that in every situation. More honestly, I've failed to let Him have the things I simply cannot control. I've failed to have those moments of falling apart, only to have Him pick up the pieces. Friends, it's worth it. While I'm prying my white-knuckled fingers off the wheel, I'm handing it all to Him, even if it takes everything I've got. Tonight reminded me that I'm alive - it's okay to cry - and I so desperately need Him. No matter how ambitious I am, I'm no superwoman!
After several minutes of rambling and impatient shaking of the head, "You didn't hear a word I just said. Ma'am you need to make a decision, I have a dog waiting in the tub and don't have time to wait for you. I'm either shaving him or you need to take him home and comb your high maintenance dog yourself." That was the tail end of a long & unnecessary conversation I had at 7:45 this morning with a new groomer in town (I'll save his reputation and just hope that his impatience with a potential paying customer was due to the stress of opening a new business). Needless to say, this conversation seemed to have set the tone (and pace) for my never-ending day.
You know the days that seem as if you're trapped in a snow globe and some kid hyped up on pixie stix and fruit-by-the-foot is violently shaking you so that the dust never has a chance to settle? For some weird reason, in the midst of these types of days, I feel like superwoman - just hand me my cape and I'll add flying to my list of things to do. (Does superwoman fly? She really should, if she doesn't.) But it's when the sun sets and the dust finally settles that I see helpless me (minus the cape), a wreck because I've burned the candle at both ends and have nothing left to offer at the end of the day. Just a really tired and haggard-looking me - major superwoman fail (in my opinion).
Tonight after my marathon
Don't get me wrong - married life has been fabulous, but with it has come a whole new world of responsibilities and expectations (most of which I've put upon myself, B's a pretty easy-going {and helpful} guy). The biggest change, however, has been my relationship with the Lord. Daily devotions get pushed behind or squeezed in between workouts, meal planning, grocery shopping, project finishing, teaching, cooking, cleaning and who knows what else I manage to fit between waking and sleeping hours. Those quiet nights with my Bible opened and guitar and pen in hand have become distant memories and tonight reminded me how desperately I need/miss them. Married or single, divorced or widowed we all need those moments - whether the last one we had was this morning or last year, we need them to carry us from situation to situation, season to season. Without them we become a powerless and tired superwoman - doing everything in our power to tackle our to-do list, but finding our reflection to be a bit older and less beautiful than when we last saw it.
I suppose I sat down to write this so that I could have a moment of honesty. A moment of admitting that I can't do life without Him. And if you take anything away from this, yes, you may recognize that I'm tired and helpless (and a bit crazy) but more importantly, I don't want you to find yourself where I am - exhausted. Sure, I've had amazing moments - leading worship (and I've meant every word that I've sung), doing ministry alongside my husband, praying and seeking God throughout the past year and a half, but I've failed to do that in every situation. More honestly, I've failed to let Him have the things I simply cannot control. I've failed to have those moments of falling apart, only to have Him pick up the pieces. Friends, it's worth it. While I'm prying my white-knuckled fingers off the wheel, I'm handing it all to Him, even if it takes everything I've got. Tonight reminded me that I'm alive - it's okay to cry - and I so desperately need Him. No matter how ambitious I am, I'm no superwoman!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Fearfully & Wonderfully Made....
Words cannot express the heart I have for young women to see their worth, their value, their exquisite beauty from the inside out. So many of my sweet sisters have fallen prey to the lies that have surrounded them since birth - they're not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, the list is endless. I too, have believed these lies at times, but I have a God who constantly reminds me of my worth and value; and my God has blessed me with a family and a husband who remind me that I'm cherished. I realize that not every girl is given the support system I grew up with, so I feel the need to be that reminder, be that encourager. One of my favorite scriptures stands as a beautiful testimony to God's love for His master creation, YOU (and me of course), "For You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful..." (Psalm 139:13-14)
So sweet sister, be reminded today - YOU have been handcrafted by the Ultimate Creator. You were designed with a specific purpose and you've been given worth because He CHOSE to impart worth to YOU! So start living like it - you're a rarity, a jewel on earth. Something worth pursuit. Find freedom in your worth this week and start living like the girl you were meant to be!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
New Beginnings...
We did it! We finally tied the knot! :) All my worrying, planning, fretting and praying paid off - it was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined it. God truly blessed our day. Everything from the music to the flowers, the decor to the food was incredible - my bridesmaids (if I may say so myself) were breathtaking. Miss Gay and her daughter, Kayla, (a family friend and amazing hairdresser) did a stunning job on hair. My florist, Shannon at Fiore, made incredible arrangements (my bouquet was out of this world)! And my precious groom was as handsome as he's ever been! Oh! And the weather was perfect (Hurricane Ida held back her fury for 24 hrs) - our day was a dream come true.
I sat in my living room a few days ago and took a look around me and thought, "Wow! I am just so stinking blessed. I don't deserve any of this." I can't help but fight back tears when I think of all that's taken place in my life over the past 3 months; God has truly poured His blessings over even the slightest of details. My relationship with God has taken on a whole new meaning now that I've experienced being a bride - words can't accurately describe that moment of walking down the aisle arm in arm with my sweet daddy, gazing past all the people as my eyes met the eyes of one who loves me enough to sacrifice his life to be with me forever. What an overwhelming experience - all my dad remembers me saying to him was, "Where's my Brenton? I can't see him." I don't remember much of what I said, but my dad was thrilled to be giving me away to a man I was anxious to set my eyes on. As I reminisce that moment, I can't help but feel like I've finally grasped the analogy of being the bride of Christ. What a sweet thing for Him to call us - I can't imagine a love deeper than what Brenton and I share, but it's there waiting for us every morning. How intimate, I can't get over it!
My sweet husband (I love calling him that!:) just showered me with surprises (I planned the wedding, he planned everything beyond that) - he had a beautiful get away car all ready for our departure complete with an adorable "Just Married" sign and the car stereo blaring Michael Buble. He arranged for us to stay at The Lee House (a bed and breakfast I've always wanted to stay at. If you only knew my obsession with the woman who owns it, she's my local hero) - it was even better than my highest expectations. And to top it all, he had planned the perfect honeymoon. We went to Cancun, Mexico and stayed at an all-inclusive, couples resort. It was just so amazing to get away and relax in such a beautiful place with my best friend by my side!
I'm anxious to see the official pictures from our photographer, but several friends have posted pictures from the day, so I'll share those for now. Thanks so much for all of the prayers, congratulations and beautiful gifts everyone sent - we were blessed beyond anything we could have imagined and we were so happy to share such a beautiful day with all those who could make it to the wedding! Enjoy the pics!
Much love and blessings,
Mrs. Collyer :)
EDIT :: // - So I totally had these in order and sadly I just realized that blogger messed up my order. Sorry for the scattered-ness.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Girl on a Mission...
I think I've figured out why I have such a difficult time updating - I have ADD! Seriously, I cannot sit still for the life of me these days. I had issues with this as a kid in school (which is why I went through every type of schooling available in our area: all girl's private school, co-ed private school, home school, back to private school, homeschool again, public school, early admissions, etc., etc.) I love to write and I love to journal, I love to share my life with people and I love looking back on all the things God's doing in my life, but when it comes to sitting down and blogging about it - I find myself wandering around facebook, checking out the latest cruise specials or clicking through the most recent tours posted on statravel.com (haha, my secrets are out). So here I am - making myself focus. :) We'll see how it goes...
I finally have a job - a temporary one, but a job none-the-less. :) I'm nannying for a family I've known for a few years now. They called me out of the blue, desperate for a part-time nanny and well, I was desperate for work - so it was a win/win situation! :) They have two darling little boys (2 & 5)...the two year old is smiley 24/7 and the five year old talks constantly, informing me of all the events in his life, his brother's life and the lives of everyone else around him. :) Most would find this tiring, I find it amusing. I love his excitement for life and his curiosity - it reminds me of myself as a kid.
I've been in such a constant state of transition over the past few years, it seems things are always changing - never stable. Part of me loves the freedom this brings - knowing that things will never be the way they are "forever", therefore, why not give everything and anything a try? Yet, at the same time it's a bit frustrating...I'm constantly asking God what He's doing with me, what His ultimate plan and purpose for my life is. I'm realizing I had a rose-tinted outlook on "life" during high school and the short years that quickly followed - now that I've had a taste of what it's really like, I'm honestly a bit baffled. I know I have an intense love for my God and I deeply desire to use my gifts to serve Him for the rest of my life - yet, I'm finding my heart a bit numb to all things "spiritual." I say "spiritual" because the life I've lived up until now has been "spiritual" with a chunk of a Christ-centered relationship strewn about here and there. I've grown up in a Christian home, a Christian school (most of my life), a Christian church with Christian friends and extended family....I'm about as Christian as anyone gets - and yes, I realized in high school that Christianity was so much more than living out the life I had always lived, it was nurturing a personal relationship with my Creator, but now that I'm of age to make my own decisions and personally determine what the rest of my life will look like from here on out, I'm finding the life I previously lived to be boring, monotonous, binding and well - old. I'm most definitely in love with my Jesus, but the more time I spend with him these days, and the crazier the world around me becomes, the more I realize I am so far from living the life us Christians were charged to carry out. None of the fearless leaders in the Bible were bored - I can guarantee they weren't feeling bound, they were invigorated by the crazy, heart-pumping, adrenaline raising tasks God constantly put before them whether it be leading a silent army around walls of Jerico and blowing trumpets at certain times, building a massive boat secure enough to withstand winds, rain, waves and floods that were intended to wipe out the rest of the world, leading a generation of complaining Israelites through the wilderness for years and years and years without a "master plan", or housing spies God was using to demolish your city with the hope that your life may be spared....all of these Biblical characters lived a life on the edge. I'm sure they all had periods of down time, but for the most part their lives were hanging on every word God breathed into their hearts and they were able to push away the clutter in order to hear what He had to say. I crave that...I yearn for that and I'm desperately searching for a way to live that out within whatever career path I decide to take from her on. I'm so tired of going through the motions of "Christianity" without the passion, excitement, adrenaline and peace He has to offer. I'm not sure how things will begin to look different, but I'm on a mission to find the life that is most honoring, most glorifying and most powerful in the eyes of my Lord. =) I'm excited about the journey!
In the mean time, I'm off to the gym. (I'm pretty proud of myself for completing this update. It took me two days to write because...you guessed it, I got distracted. But none-the-less it's finished!) I hope everyone's doing well!
Lots of love blessings, excitement and adventure!!
d
I finally have a job - a temporary one, but a job none-the-less. :) I'm nannying for a family I've known for a few years now. They called me out of the blue, desperate for a part-time nanny and well, I was desperate for work - so it was a win/win situation! :) They have two darling little boys (2 & 5)...the two year old is smiley 24/7 and the five year old talks constantly, informing me of all the events in his life, his brother's life and the lives of everyone else around him. :) Most would find this tiring, I find it amusing. I love his excitement for life and his curiosity - it reminds me of myself as a kid.
I've been in such a constant state of transition over the past few years, it seems things are always changing - never stable. Part of me loves the freedom this brings - knowing that things will never be the way they are "forever", therefore, why not give everything and anything a try? Yet, at the same time it's a bit frustrating...I'm constantly asking God what He's doing with me, what His ultimate plan and purpose for my life is. I'm realizing I had a rose-tinted outlook on "life" during high school and the short years that quickly followed - now that I've had a taste of what it's really like, I'm honestly a bit baffled. I know I have an intense love for my God and I deeply desire to use my gifts to serve Him for the rest of my life - yet, I'm finding my heart a bit numb to all things "spiritual." I say "spiritual" because the life I've lived up until now has been "spiritual" with a chunk of a Christ-centered relationship strewn about here and there. I've grown up in a Christian home, a Christian school (most of my life), a Christian church with Christian friends and extended family....I'm about as Christian as anyone gets - and yes, I realized in high school that Christianity was so much more than living out the life I had always lived, it was nurturing a personal relationship with my Creator, but now that I'm of age to make my own decisions and personally determine what the rest of my life will look like from here on out, I'm finding the life I previously lived to be boring, monotonous, binding and well - old. I'm most definitely in love with my Jesus, but the more time I spend with him these days, and the crazier the world around me becomes, the more I realize I am so far from living the life us Christians were charged to carry out. None of the fearless leaders in the Bible were bored - I can guarantee they weren't feeling bound, they were invigorated by the crazy, heart-pumping, adrenaline raising tasks God constantly put before them whether it be leading a silent army around walls of Jerico and blowing trumpets at certain times, building a massive boat secure enough to withstand winds, rain, waves and floods that were intended to wipe out the rest of the world, leading a generation of complaining Israelites through the wilderness for years and years and years without a "master plan", or housing spies God was using to demolish your city with the hope that your life may be spared....all of these Biblical characters lived a life on the edge. I'm sure they all had periods of down time, but for the most part their lives were hanging on every word God breathed into their hearts and they were able to push away the clutter in order to hear what He had to say. I crave that...I yearn for that and I'm desperately searching for a way to live that out within whatever career path I decide to take from her on. I'm so tired of going through the motions of "Christianity" without the passion, excitement, adrenaline and peace He has to offer. I'm not sure how things will begin to look different, but I'm on a mission to find the life that is most honoring, most glorifying and most powerful in the eyes of my Lord. =) I'm excited about the journey!
In the mean time, I'm off to the gym. (I'm pretty proud of myself for completing this update. It took me two days to write because...you guessed it, I got distracted. But none-the-less it's finished!) I hope everyone's doing well!
Lots of love blessings, excitement and adventure!!
d
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Moving the Mountains...
Gosh, time slips by so fast. I've been in the Nashville area for a little over a month now, crazy, huh? My time here has been so relaxing, however, I need a little less relaxation and a little more work. I've been on the hunt for a job since I arrived and still - no luck. I had an interview last Wednesday with a little salon downtown and I'm supposed to find out tomorrow if I got the job or not - it's been the most promising thing I've had come my way yet. Keep me in your prayers if you think about it, I'd very much appreciate that! :)
I think I can finally say I'm settled. I still need furniture for my room but I feel at home in my little space, I love my roomies, I've met some neat people, and I'm finally starting to know my way around town without any GPS help! (I was so very proud of myself the day I made it home without cheating) Spring has begun to tempt us with a taste of her glorious arrival, she's just around the corner and I can't wait! I hear Tennessee is incredibly beautiful during the Spring! It's been a little warmer lately so I've found a great little park to run around and it's just down from my apartment, I love it!
This weekend was a hard one, with being away from my sweetheart on Valentines Day, no job, a dwindling savings account and lack of direction in my life - I found myself a little down. I had two long, hard conversations today...one with the boyfriend and the other with the mother (dun dun dun...). The convo with the boyfriend will remain between the two of us - but lets just say that distance hasn't come as easily as it did before, when I was in south Florida for school. It's been far more difficult than I had imagined, it's definitely showing us where our hearts truly lie. And the conversation with the mother was, well - very mother/daughter-ish. It was typical mom advice on my current living situation, financial circumstances, relationship status and not-so-distant future, but it was nothing short of honest. I love that about my mom, she tells me how it is, but sometimes I just need a listening ear and a word or two of encouragement.
I initially moved to Tennessee because God somehow seemed to open all the right doors, but now that I'm here what does He have for me? That's been the major question weighing on my mind lately. I truly had very little to no expectations upon making the move, but now that everything has come to a screeching halt and I'm in a jobless standstill, I'm asking God "why?" A little background for those unaware : music is my passion. Leading worship gives me satisfaction like none other, the fact that God allows me to use something I'm so passionate about to help usher people into His powerful presence, simply blows my mind. Since before I could speak I was singing, He's been shaping and developing this love for sweet flowing melodies ever since; and now, I've got this great desire to use it to bring people closer to Him, leaving them at the feet of His cross and in utter awe of who He is. All that to say, my biggest dream is to travel the world leading worship, preferably at girl's conferences, speaking, singing, opening up and sharing all of my life with those around me. When I made the move to Tennessee (music central), I truly had no expectations musically, other than seizing the opportunity to be inspired by all the talented people and taking advantage of the time to write and pour myself into songs. I've been able to do that lately, but the more that I think about this dream of traveling the world, leading worship, the more defeated I feel. People around me look at it as an unattainable, unreachable, unrealistic dream...something so far from reality, that I might as well put it aside and focus on more practical things in front of me. Pursue more education perhaps? Seek after a secure career, one that will allow me to make ends meet and pursue the commonly sought after "American Dream" - marriage, house, kids, grandkids, etc? That's what will make them happy. But me? I'd be miserable. Missing the mark - neglecting a calling - putting aside a purpose, that's how I feel about walking away from my pursuit of sharing music. I've been thinking a lot about this over the past week or so and as I looked at the immovable mountains before me, I came across the lesson of the Withered Fig Tree. A story I've never thought much of until now. Let me share it with you:
(Matthew 21:18-22) "Now in the morning, as He returned to the city, He was hungry. And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, 'Let no fruit grow on you ever again.' Immediately the fig tree withered away. And when the disciples say it, they marveled, saying, 'How did the fig tree wither away so soon?' So Jesus answered and said to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' it will be done. 'And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.'"
So many things in this short passage moved me. First of all, of all the things in the world to display His glory, He uses a barren fig tree. Secondly - He rebukes the tree for being worthless and it listens! Immediately it withers - even the barren trees of this earth respond to His command. How much more shall I, a woman formed in His image, designed for relationship and communion with Him, respect His word and His command? How much more then shall I be used to display His glory? Next, the words He shares with the disciples - He gives us a challenge, "if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' it will be done."!!!! He encourages me - a weak cluster of bones, flesh and asthma ridden lungs to challenge the mountains to move. And then (my favorite part of this whole story) He backs it up by a promise, "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, YOU WILL RECEIVE." All I have to do is ask, believe and be the recipient of His wondrous works, promises and blessings.
With respect to all the wonderful people God's placed in my world around me, I cannot be tied down to your unbelief. I know I was created for more than the "American dream", making babies and ensuring that the world goes round - I was created to be a beautiful display of His Glory! All it takes is a little faith and I'll be moving mountains. I hope you grasp hold of that truth just as I have this week. Be reminded that you have been created with great purpose, to be a public display of His Glory. Whatever that dream, that promise that you know without a doubt He has handcrafted and so perfectly placed in your heart is - be strong, rooted in faith. Command those mountains to move and watch them crumble before you as you shine brightly, revealing His strength and fulfilling His purpose!
I think I can finally say I'm settled. I still need furniture for my room but I feel at home in my little space, I love my roomies, I've met some neat people, and I'm finally starting to know my way around town without any GPS help! (I was so very proud of myself the day I made it home without cheating) Spring has begun to tempt us with a taste of her glorious arrival, she's just around the corner and I can't wait! I hear Tennessee is incredibly beautiful during the Spring! It's been a little warmer lately so I've found a great little park to run around and it's just down from my apartment, I love it!
This weekend was a hard one, with being away from my sweetheart on Valentines Day, no job, a dwindling savings account and lack of direction in my life - I found myself a little down. I had two long, hard conversations today...one with the boyfriend and the other with the mother (dun dun dun...). The convo with the boyfriend will remain between the two of us - but lets just say that distance hasn't come as easily as it did before, when I was in south Florida for school. It's been far more difficult than I had imagined, it's definitely showing us where our hearts truly lie. And the conversation with the mother was, well - very mother/daughter-ish. It was typical mom advice on my current living situation, financial circumstances, relationship status and not-so-distant future, but it was nothing short of honest. I love that about my mom, she tells me how it is, but sometimes I just need a listening ear and a word or two of encouragement.
I initially moved to Tennessee because God somehow seemed to open all the right doors, but now that I'm here what does He have for me? That's been the major question weighing on my mind lately. I truly had very little to no expectations upon making the move, but now that everything has come to a screeching halt and I'm in a jobless standstill, I'm asking God "why?" A little background for those unaware : music is my passion. Leading worship gives me satisfaction like none other, the fact that God allows me to use something I'm so passionate about to help usher people into His powerful presence, simply blows my mind. Since before I could speak I was singing, He's been shaping and developing this love for sweet flowing melodies ever since; and now, I've got this great desire to use it to bring people closer to Him, leaving them at the feet of His cross and in utter awe of who He is. All that to say, my biggest dream is to travel the world leading worship, preferably at girl's conferences, speaking, singing, opening up and sharing all of my life with those around me. When I made the move to Tennessee (music central), I truly had no expectations musically, other than seizing the opportunity to be inspired by all the talented people and taking advantage of the time to write and pour myself into songs. I've been able to do that lately, but the more that I think about this dream of traveling the world, leading worship, the more defeated I feel. People around me look at it as an unattainable, unreachable, unrealistic dream...something so far from reality, that I might as well put it aside and focus on more practical things in front of me. Pursue more education perhaps? Seek after a secure career, one that will allow me to make ends meet and pursue the commonly sought after "American Dream" - marriage, house, kids, grandkids, etc? That's what will make them happy. But me? I'd be miserable. Missing the mark - neglecting a calling - putting aside a purpose, that's how I feel about walking away from my pursuit of sharing music. I've been thinking a lot about this over the past week or so and as I looked at the immovable mountains before me, I came across the lesson of the Withered Fig Tree. A story I've never thought much of until now. Let me share it with you:
(Matthew 21:18-22) "Now in the morning, as He returned to the city, He was hungry. And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, 'Let no fruit grow on you ever again.' Immediately the fig tree withered away. And when the disciples say it, they marveled, saying, 'How did the fig tree wither away so soon?' So Jesus answered and said to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' it will be done. 'And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.'"
So many things in this short passage moved me. First of all, of all the things in the world to display His glory, He uses a barren fig tree. Secondly - He rebukes the tree for being worthless and it listens! Immediately it withers - even the barren trees of this earth respond to His command. How much more shall I, a woman formed in His image, designed for relationship and communion with Him, respect His word and His command? How much more then shall I be used to display His glory? Next, the words He shares with the disciples - He gives us a challenge, "if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' it will be done."!!!! He encourages me - a weak cluster of bones, flesh and asthma ridden lungs to challenge the mountains to move. And then (my favorite part of this whole story) He backs it up by a promise, "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, YOU WILL RECEIVE." All I have to do is ask, believe and be the recipient of His wondrous works, promises and blessings.
With respect to all the wonderful people God's placed in my world around me, I cannot be tied down to your unbelief. I know I was created for more than the "American dream", making babies and ensuring that the world goes round - I was created to be a beautiful display of His Glory! All it takes is a little faith and I'll be moving mountains. I hope you grasp hold of that truth just as I have this week. Be reminded that you have been created with great purpose, to be a public display of His Glory. Whatever that dream, that promise that you know without a doubt He has handcrafted and so perfectly placed in your heart is - be strong, rooted in faith. Command those mountains to move and watch them crumble before you as you shine brightly, revealing His strength and fulfilling His purpose!
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