Superwoman Fail

WARNING : This post just may make you look at me differently - it's raw & maybe a little too honest.  If you haven't noticed already, I totally don't have it together.  Read on if you need to see the proof...

After several minutes of rambling and impatient shaking of the head, "You didn't hear a word I just said.  Ma'am you need to make a decision, I have a dog waiting in the tub and don't have time to wait for you.  I'm either shaving him or you need to take him home and comb your high maintenance dog yourself."  That was the tail end of a long & unnecessary conversation I had at 7:45 this morning with a new groomer in town (I'll save his reputation and just hope that his impatience with a potential paying customer was due to the stress of opening a new business).  Needless to say, this conversation seemed to have set the tone (and pace) for my never-ending day.

You know the days that seem as if you're trapped in a snow globe and some kid hyped up on pixie stix and fruit-by-the-foot is violently shaking you so that the dust never has a chance to settle?  For some weird reason, in the midst of these types of days, I feel like superwoman - just hand me my cape and I'll add flying to my list of things to do.  (Does superwoman fly?  She really should, if she doesn't.)  But it's when the sun sets and the dust finally settles that I see helpless me (minus the cape), a wreck because I've burned the candle at both ends and have nothing left to offer at the end of the day.  Just a really tired and haggard-looking me - major superwoman fail (in my opinion).

Tonight after my marathon day week (is today really Wednesday?  where did last monday - this tuesday go?), I found myself sitting on the floor of my office with guitar in hand (a rarity these days) just sobbing words of nothingness.  Who knows what I was singing croaking out through those tears, all I know is that when my fingers hit the fret board and my lips decided to move, my heart couldn't hold it back any longer - I verbally (and I suppose somewhat musically) vomited on Jesus.  I haven't done that since pre-marital days - not in that fashion at least.  Since being married, I've not allowed myself to unravel - I can't afford to fall apart.  If I fall apart, the whole house comes crumbling with me.  Instead, I sometimes talk to God (and myself) in the car on the way from point A to point B - venting in spurts; or sometimes (in a way I'm not so proud to admit) I have a freak-out-on-the-husband sort of moment.  But usually I just find myself sprinting through my daily routine, taking massive breaths in and exhaling serious breaths out (cheeks flared and all).  So not healthy.

Don't get me wrong - married life has been fabulous, but with it has come a whole new world of responsibilities and expectations (most of which I've put upon myself, B's a pretty easy-going {and helpful} guy).  The biggest change, however, has been my relationship with the Lord.  Daily devotions get pushed behind or squeezed in between workouts, meal planning, grocery shopping, project finishing, teaching, cooking, cleaning and who knows what else I manage to fit between waking and sleeping hours.  Those quiet nights with my Bible opened and guitar and pen in hand have become distant memories and tonight reminded me how desperately I need/miss them.  Married or single, divorced or widowed we all need those moments - whether the last one we had was this morning or last year, we need them to carry us from situation to situation, season to season.  Without them we become a powerless and tired superwoman - doing everything in our power to tackle our to-do list, but finding our reflection to be a bit older and less beautiful than when we last saw it.

I suppose I sat down to write this so that I could have a moment of honesty.  A moment of admitting that I can't do life without Him.  And if you take anything away from this, yes, you may recognize that I'm tired and helpless (and a bit crazy) but more importantly, I don't want you to find yourself where I am - exhausted.  Sure, I've had amazing moments - leading worship (and I've meant every word that I've sung), doing ministry alongside my husband, praying and seeking God throughout the past year and a half, but I've failed to do that in every situation.  More honestly, I've failed to let Him have the things I simply cannot control.  I've failed to have those moments of falling apart, only to have Him pick up the pieces.  Friends, it's worth it.  While I'm prying my white-knuckled fingers off the wheel, I'm handing it all to Him, even if it takes everything I've got.  Tonight reminded me that I'm alive - it's okay to cry - and I so desperately need Him.  No matter how ambitious I am, I'm no superwoman!

Crisp & Clean

If you haven't checked out my new decor blog yet, here's a recent entry....follow & share if you like! :)  

The Pink Peony

With spring in full bloom and summer on our heels, I'm loving bright, bold colors.  And while I'm a total color-lover, a "color" that I absolutely LOVE to see this time of year is white!  It's so clean and crisp, and is the perfect backdrop for all of those bright summer hues that are beginning to pop up.

White can be hard to do right.  It sometimes feels too modern and not so homey, and if you have kids and/or pets, it can be difficult to keep clean.  But whether it's white walls, white furniture or just white accents, it can make this time of year feel a little brighter.  Here are a few of my favorite ways to incorporate white.  Enjoy!

24

Today I celebrate my 24th birthday - it's hard to believe how fast time flies!  

This day always makes me look back on the years past, and reminds me that I have so much to be thankful for!  

I thank God for the family He blessed me with, the husband who so sweetly loves & cares for me, the friends who support me and the mother that birthed me. ;)  

Thank you to all who have been part of my past 24 years.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you.  I would not be who I am today without you.

Looking forward to the year ahead!

♥

New Blog!

Hi Friends!

Just wanted to let you know that I finally launched my design/decor blog - it's a work in progress, but check it out, follow me and share it with a friend if you like! :)  

The Pink Peony

Lots of love!

d

Fearfully & Wonderfully Made....

Words cannot express the heart I have for young women to see their worth, their value, their exquisite beauty from the inside out. So many of my sweet sisters have fallen prey to the lies that have surrounded them since birth - they're not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, the list is endless. I too, have believed these lies at times, but I have a God who constantly reminds me of my worth and value; and my God has blessed me with a family and a husband who remind me that I'm cherished. I realize that not every girl is given the support system I grew up with, so I feel the need to be that reminder, be that encourager. One of my favorite scriptures stands as a beautiful testimony to God's love for His master creation, YOU (and me of course), "For You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful..." (Psalm 139:13-14)

So sweet sister, be reminded today - YOU have been handcrafted by the Ultimate Creator. You were designed with a specific purpose and you've been given worth because He CHOSE to impart worth to YOU! So start living like it - you're a rarity, a jewel on earth. Something worth pursuit. Find freedom in your worth this week and start living like the girl you were meant to be!

Honesty and hard-to-live-out faith....

So laugh if you must, but I have moments where something wells up inside of me and I feel the urge to give Martha Stewart, Giada, Brooke Fraser and Beth Moore a run for their money. Not that I'm implying that I'm as great (or better) as these women are at what they do, but I have moments were I'm crafting or cooking and think, "I need to capitalize on this and make a business out of it." (I can't even count the amount of businesses I've dreamt up - each one more amazing than the last. :) Or moments where I'm songwriting, leading worship or dreaming up new study ideas for our precious high school girls and I think, "How great would it be to do this for a living? Pour myself out over music and Bible studies 24/7, travel and encourage/inspire other girls/women to follow hard after Jesus, and not have to worry about how we'll pay this month's bills or when the next pay check will be deposited into our account." I don't know if I'll ever have the luxury of not stressing over finances (and maybe I'm naive to think that there are people who don't stress over money at all), but I'd like to think that God gave me gifts, talents, passions, desires and dreams that I should explore and pursue beyond my own kitchen or living room.

Money certainly isn't the focal point, but I have to say, life would be much more free if I didn't feel guilty for spending $6 for dog food or $4 for our preferred orange juice. I'm sure financial worries are a common stressor in homes these days, but as a believer, I have to wonder if God instilled things inside of me that would provide my bread and butter, if only I more persistently pursued them. He asks us to be faithful in the small things, and that's just what I feel the overwhelming urge to do - be faithful in the opportunities to open my home up to young girls needing love and encouragement, faithful to share my voice or musical abilities to charities or organizations who don't necessarily have a budget for such needs, faithful to cook away and offer a taste to someone in need, faithful to watch every dollar spent so that we have enough to give back to the One who gave it to us in the first place - faithful. It's easier said than done sometimes, but faith is where success begins. Faith is taking a leap over a deep, dark crevice and praying your way safely to the other side. But when you have the Creator of the universe holding your hand, that leap doesn't seem so dangerous - it looks more adventurous. So here's to the adventure that awaits. I'm laying down my fears of failure and fears of not having what we need, I'm ready to take my leap of faith and believe that my God can provide exceedingly, above and beyond my wildest dreams.

Dare to dream and dare to step out....want to do it with me??

Getting Organized...

I don't know about you, but when I'm organized, I feel the air I breathe is fresher, sweeter & cleaner, my heart smiles and my steps have a bounce to them. So today, I sought after that happy feeling of being organized and attempted to clean out my office, organize my schedule for the week and plan out my grocery shopping. Sounds boring, I know, but I feel like a million bucks after the job's been done.

One thing I organized today was a coupon binder (Okay, who saw the recent TLC special on crazy couponing?? My husband and I were glued to it!) - I have a few friends who are coupon crazy and who do it well, freebies are part of their every day life; but I've actually tried it myself a few times in the past, and was disappointed to find processed foods and petroleum filled products to be the primary coupons available. Yet, after seeing the lifetime supply of toilet paper and paper towels one woman had collected through couponing, I decided to give it another shot. So today, I purchased two Sunday papers (a secret to their coupon success), created a few lists on various coupon websites and clipped away. I feel that if I'm saving on staples such as toothpaste, toilet paper, paper towels, and baking supplies, then it's all worth it - anything to shave the grocery bills these days. Maybe one day my coupon binder will look like this :

But until then, mine looks a little more like this...