Comfort this confused little heart...

HONESTY WARNING
(just throwing that out there...)

Do you ever just want an entire day of silence? A day to simply sit on the back porch swing with a nice tall glass of iced green tea, Bible and journal close at hand - no cell phone to interrupt, no agenda to follow, no job to report to, no responsibilities to tend to? No people. No noise. No plan. Just silence.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could just disappear and spend some seriously intimate time at the feet of my Jesus. My heart begs for that. To be free of the chains of this physical world and to be in the purest and most righteous of places - the presence of my Savior - with no physical limitations and with no time constraint. I know that's where my help comes from. I know that's where my passion will be renewed. I know that's where comfort is found. I KNOW that's where the author of this life will pour out His divine guidance over this confused heart.

It's amazing how incredibly different my life has unfolded. It's so far from what I imagined it would be. I certainly never thought I would move back home, be in a relationship and be working full time at my home church. (Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not complaining about ANY of this.) While all of these things are good, they're so very far from "my plan". Submission. That seems to be the theme of this season. First and foremost, submitting to "God's way" and prying my crooked little fingers off "my way", submitting to parents as I live under their roof, submitting to someone else in a relationship, and submitting to a job that I don't always understand. (Keep in mind, this is one strong willed girl saying this--you can bet brokenness has become part of my daily routine) So here I am, laying down all the broken pieces, trusting that some day soon the pieces will be picked up and put back together, forming a more glorious picture than I could have ever painted for myself. Patience. That's lesson #2. (I mean common, did I not learn enough patience living in a 3 bedroom apartment with 5 girls and one car?! Or over 3 years of carting whiny 2 year olds around town, desperate to entertain them?) Patience isn't just waiting, patience is finding contentment in an entire circumstance and finding a way to make sure that I use every ounce of difficulty as a character defining and strength building tool. True patience is more valuable than gold, because no matter what, you always come out a better person. Humility. Beautiful life lesson #3 would be humility. In my experience, humility is feeling your heart cry, "God I can't do this without You." Humility is standing before several hundred people on a regular basis and exposing them to your heart, revealing to them your flaws, and remaining silent when they cannot be pleased (otherwise, I'm no longer serving an audience of One). Humility is looking him in the eyes and admitting I'm wrong. Humility is lifting up my hands and accepting that I just need to surrender.

If you know me at all, you know that I don't know how to be anything but honest. I feel I've come to the end of myself, but I finally realize that the end of myself is where He's been leading me all along. It's not till I reach that point, that God can begin leading me into the beginning of Himself. So here I am, a broken mess - just waiting for those pieces to become that majestic work, so filled with beauty and elegance, color and texture, glazed with such sweet aroma, more valuable than anything made by mankind. I still don't understand how dirt becomes something of worth, but I've been alive long enough to know that my God does miracles, so I'm trusting that this little bit of faith will go a long way. ♥